Understanding and Addressing Desire Discrepancies

Libido differences are more common than you think

What is Desire and how does it differ from libido?

Desire is the psychological urge to “want to want” sex, while libido is the physiological urge for sex. There is spontaneous and responsive sexual desire. Spontaneous sexual desire is the sudden urge for sex without a trigger. It occurs in sync with the physiological arousal (i.e., erection, lubrication, tingling sensation). Responsive sexual desire develops after stimulation occurs. This type of desire is common and is often not discussed. Think of spontaneous desire like a microwave: it’s instant, high-energy, and ready at the touch of a button. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is like an oven—it isn’t broken just because it isn't hot yet; it simply needs time to preheat before it’s ready to cook. A decrease in or low frequency of spontaneous sexual desire is what people tend to label as having a low libido.

It's more common than you think

Desire discrepancy is more than just the mismatch of libidos, it is the misalignment of the frequency, timing and quality of sexual intimacy. Desire discrepancy is one of the everyday reasons couples seek out therapy and is one of the most common issues in a long-term relationship. It does not necessarily mean that there is a flaw in your relationship. Throughout the lifespan, libido and desire will ebb and flow. It is likely and to be expected that partners will not always be in sync. The key is learning how to navigate these discrepancies. 

 Strategies

1. Communication

Communicate your desire or lack thereof to one another with open and honest communication. A lack of spontaneous sexual desire does not necessarily mean there is a lack of love and attraction for one another. Describe why you may not be interested in sex at the moment. Are there barriers in place, such as feeling unwell, kids in the room next door, fatigue, a lack in emotional connection? In contrast, expressing your interest in sex with your partner can help them understand your wants, needs and may even spark sexual desire. Laying everything out on the table provides you and your partner the opportunity to connect emotionally and problem solve together.

2. Masturbation

If your partner does not want to engage in sexual intimacy, masturbation is a great alternative. This can be done solitary or together with your partner.

3. Engaging in non-sexual activity together

Spend time together and engage in non-sexual activities such as cuddling, massaging, or taking a shower together. Other activities such as a cozy night in, cooking together, or any other undivided quality time, are great alternatives as well.

4. Spark Responsive Desire

As introduced above, a common type of sexual desire includes responsive sexual desire.  Foreplay and having sex could spark that responsive desire. That being said, choosing to have sex when there is a lack of spontaneous desire must be consensual and non-coerced.

Connecting with Your Partner

Below are ten examples of ways to connect with your partner at various levels of intimacy. These examples provided may or may not lead to penetrative sexual intercourse and have no obligation to do so. The purpose of these actions is to increase connection with your partner.

1. Holding hands

2. Kissing on the mouth or other body parts

3. Massages (full body, foot, back, etc.)

4. Playing with or touching your partner’s hair

5. Showering with your partner

6. Cuddling/Spooning

7. Touching self while your partner watches and vice versa

8. Using toys together

9. Reading or watching erotic or romantic material together

10.  Giving or receiving oral sex

Resources and Books to Read for More Information

Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy and Dr. Jennifer A. Vencill

Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships

Written by Alyssa Watson, LPC